


Keeping Karkat

by Path



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-15
Updated: 2011-07-15
Packaged: 2017-10-21 10:19:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/224098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Path/pseuds/Path
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spades Slick is out of town, and you're looking after his kid. You've just got to keep these candy corn horns safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping Karkat

**Author's Note:**

> Kink Meme stuff with no kink?

When Slick asked you to babysit his nephew or whatever, you figured, okay, how bad could it be, it's just one day. And it's not like he really gave you a choice. What you hadn't figured on would be that Slick's kid here would be so weird, and you have seen some pretty weird things, so you would argue you are pretty much the expert. He's short (that's not the weird part; you knew he was a kid getting into this), he's grey (that is getting weirder), he's got a mouth full of fangs (runs in the family?), and he's got a pair of yellow and orange horns sticking out of his head.

He stands back and remarks on what you're doing in the most elaborately cruel way you've ever come across. Diamonds Droog should take lessons. When he gets mad, he just gets louder, and it's like it fuels it. When Slick gets pissed, his dialogue devolves. Anger just makes his kid stronger.

You telephone Dame.

"-like a perfectly normal kid to me. You're over-reacting."

"You haven't seen him," you mutter into the headset. The effort it took just to track down all your phone parts with Karkat commenting on your every move was ridiculous. Ace Dick had the cord. He listened to Slick's kid harangue you for thirty seconds before he declared he liked him.

"He's like this little weird alien."

"I knew you weren't ready for kids," Dame says, like this is what this conversation is about. "Kids are weird and little and behave differently."

"How many of them have horns?" you ask innocently.

"Leave the poor boy alone," she says. "He's probably got enough to deal with, with Spades Slick, without you pretending he's some sort of demon."

"I'm not pretendi-" you get out, before she hangs up. Goddammit. Maybe you should take him over there. See what she thinks when she sees him.

Karkat is standing at the door when you get off the phone. "When you're done talking about me, maybe you can shove a pillow in the gaping void you call a mouth and take me to get something to eat before my stomach devours itself in hunger and disgust?"

Goddamn kids.

= = =

Slick doesn't come to get him that night. You and Karkat are equally pleased about this.

"I can't figure out why Dad would leave me with an incompetent nobody in the first place," he says. He is sort of starting to, maybe, get on your nerves. "Like I am incapable of looking after myself and all my leanings towards pyromania are going to explode out of me like a repressed rage volcano as soon as he turns his back."

"Well," you say, "when you put it that way."

You're not worried. Why would you be worried? It's not like your best friend just went and took on a group of time-travelling murderers or anything. Your frustration bleeds over into your dealings with Karkat, and the two of you snipe at each other for the rest of the day.

= = =

The phone rings late the next afternoon, when Karkat was just packing up his stuff. He takes one look at the phone, one look to you, and walks out the door.

"Fuck this," are the first words on the line.

"Slick," you say, "when are you planning on taking your kid back? I'm not made for this line of work."

"When I'm not fucking stuck in some fat asshole's Idiot's Guide to Time Travel," he says. God you love listening to him complain. "It could be next year for all I know. I just got back to my own goddamn timeline."

"It's Wednesday," you tell him.

"Oh," he says, and then, after a pause, during which you can hear someone whimper on the end of the other line, "is he pissed?"

"The kid?" you ask.

"No, the fucking goldfish I gave you," he says. "Yeah, the kid. Is the little fuck pissed I'm not back yet?"

"Yeah," you tell him.

"Fuck this," he says. "Like I don't have enough to deal with. Tell him not to get his stupid candy corn horns in a twist and I'll be back tomorrow to pick him up."

"Candy-"

He cuts you off before you finish that thought. "Yeah, I bet you'd like that, you fucking pervert," he says. "No eating my kid's horns, you freak."

"Yep, you caught that in time," you tell Slick. "Got it. See you tomorrow."

"Just... keep him safe for me," Slick says, and then there's a click.

When you get off the phone, Karkat isn't in the house.

= = =

Or in the surrounding block. You panic briefly, then go straight to Slick's nearest place.

He's sitting on the doorstep, his hood up and sort of curled in on himself.

"Fuck off," he tells you.

"No deal," you say. You sit down; he ignores you.

"Yeah, when's he delayed it to now?" he asks. He hides it well, but his voice is all twisted up. "He could have at least left me with a key to my own house so I could have the option of not sleeping on the couch of a total complete stranger."

"Sorry, kid," you tell him, and now, as your eyes adjust to the light here, you can catch the glint of tears on his face before he scrubs at them angrily. "We both kind of got stuck with this one. Your dad'll be back soon."

"The fuck he will," he says. "Or maybe it'll be another month before I see him randomly show up again acting like he's been gone for an hour and then he'll expect everything to go back to normal."

"You know," you say, because Slick does disappear all the time, and he does have a complete disregard for everybody but himself and this kid, "I have a key."

"For my house?" asks Karkat. "He gave you a key to my house and he didn't even fucking leave me with one?"

"Nah," you say, standing. "The way I see it, this key unlocks pretty much any door."

Karkat looks at your hand and gets out of the way. You blow the lock off.

"Way to ruin my house, fuckass," he tells you.

= = =

When Slick gets back, you're both crashed at his place, playing blackjack. Like with Slick, Karkat insults you and you let it roll off your back until you can use the exact same words against him. Unlike with Slick, Karkat is genuinely intelligent, and also a terrible blackjack player, so things equal out.

Slick walks in covered in some sort of goo, looking pissed as hell and sort of surprised to see you there. "Replace my fucking door," he tells you. "I'm having a shower." Then he stalks off.

Karkat throws his hand down and goes to his room.

You follow. He's curled up on his bed with his back to you. You sit on the edge.

"How about you not try to tell me he's going to welcome me with open arms as soon as he has the chance," comes Karkat's voice over his shoulder.

"Okay," you agree readily.

"...good," he says.

"Your dad and I are close," you say. "So I know what he's like. No progress."

"...yeah," he says.

"He's just the same all the time."

"...yeah."

You tell him everything you know about Slick that isn't completely inappropriate. At the end, he looks up at you skeptically.

"Yeah," he says. "That's exactly what it's like."

"So I know," you say.

"So you know," he says. "I guess..." He looks up at the door.

Slick is standing there glowering at you. "Whaddaya want for dinner, kid?" he asks, ignoring you.

"Whatever," says Karkat.

"Fucking pick something," Slick demands, and leaves abruptly.

Karkat sighs, but, at the same time, looks inexplicably relieved. "Whatever," he repeats. "I guess..." his freaky yellow eyes look over to you. "I guess you're not the worst piece of trash I've ever hung out with," he says.

Took a long time for Slick to say the same to you. This just took four days. You must be getting better at this.

"I got something for you," you say to Karkat, as you're leaving his room, and you plunk your hat down on his head. It fits weird, with the horns, and all.

He turns back to the mirror. "This is the ugliest piece of shit hat I have ever been forced to keep on my head," he says, so you guess he likes it. And when he cuts a pair of holes in it, it actually looks pretty good on him.

When you leave, Slick waves dismissively at you from another room, and Karkat offhandedly tells you he's thankful, he guesses, for you not being the worst babysitter ever. You smile, and pat his shoulder once, and say, "See you round, kid," and saunter off bareheaded.

It's not like you had a choice. How else would you keep those candy-corn horns safe?


End file.
